Posted by: justbewhoyouare | June 6, 2010

HOW I UNCOVERED A DEEP-SEATED BELIEF

At different times in my life I have been drawn to watching naked women being whipped. I learned once from a reliable source that this was because in a previous lifetime I was an enslaved woman who allowed herself to be whipped by her captor. I didn’t know that this was just an aspect of mine popping up because it wanted to be resolved. My tendency was, because of fear (for example, “I’m not supposed to have these desires”—thanks to religion we all have rules like this hanging over our heads like a crown of thorns), I would push the desire away. Once I realized that I needed to accept this aspect of me, I chose to watch videos of women being spanked and honored the emotions that came up. 

At one point I had an incredible experience. I found this video in which a woman was spanking her teenage babysitter. She made the babysitter strip naked, forced her to lie down on her stomach, and then made her stick her rear end up in the air in a humiliating position. Once in this position, she proceeded to whip her hard with a belt. The girl was in great pain with every lash. 

The first time I watched this I identified with the spanker. I discovered I had lots of anger inside and felt the anger of this woman as she delivered each whack. I allowed myself to feel it to my core and breathed with it. I was amazed at how much I identified with these emotions. 

I also discovered I identified with the babysitter. I felt her humiliation and that I too deserved to be spanked like her. I even felt her anguish in being whipped without being able to say anything. It was written all over her face and at one point you can see her mouthing silently a swear word. 

The next time I watched this video an amazing thing happened. After about 50 lashes with the belt, the spanker stopped and began rubbing the babysitter’s rear end, which caused her to jump because there were several warts there from the belt. She then said, “Perhaps I should have done this before I left, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten in so much trouble”. She then paused, raised the belt, and said, “Too late”, and proceeded to give her at least 25 more lashes. 

It became clear to me that both these women represented a deep-seated attitude I’d harbored towards God. I carried within me both anger towards God for making my life so difficult, as well as a belief that I am unworthy of God’s love and deserve to be punished. 

For example, I believed that like this spanker, God is compassionless, not caring, just determined to make me suffer, and like the babysitter, I deserved to be punished. She just laid there and took her punishment. She could have gotten up and left at any time but instead she allowed herself to be given every lash. I’d been going through life feeling like I was being punished and doing nothing about it accept to take it, and in fact, to punish myself harder by doing all kinds of conditions, of fasting, cold showers, even whipping myself, all because of feeling unworthy of God’s love, and guilty of either doing something wrong or not doing enough to finally please God. 

In essence, I had lots of rage for feeling trapped in a miserable life, blamed God for it, and punished myself, hoping to find some peace of mind and/or acceptance from God. 

Having these realizations and then feeling all these emotions allowed me to accept these beliefs about myself, which was the beginning of bringing them into resolution. These beliefs had haunted me for lifetimes and throughout this current life I had tried unsuccessfully to resolve the anger I knew I had towards God. Understanding it intellectually was never good enough to find resolution regarding these issues. 

This is an example of the power that acceptance of all that we are can have in affecting change in our life. It is also an example of true love.

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Responses

  1. Thank you! You are the first spritually oriented person that I know – except for me – that tells openly about this kind of desires. It’s very important to me, because I’m also drawn to such issues, and I’m really glad to see that I’m not the only one that feels so.

    • Thank you for your honesty as well. To me, there’s nothing right or wrong about such desires. The struggle always came in my thinking I shouldn’t be having such desires. Such judgment caused tremendous stress as well as anger towards myself. By accepting them, I find these desires are much more tepid. They’re just not hanging around much, if at all.
      I have much more to share about these kind of sexual desires and have done so in a few books I’ve written. If you’re interested, in the products link on my blog there is another link to my web site. My book about my life shares more. Thank you again for sharing. I honor you.


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