Posted by: justbewhoyouare | June 6, 2010

MELDING WITH THE DIVINE IS A CHOICE AWAY

The Divine is incredibly simple and yet we humans have this idea that it is extremely complex. We’re led to believe that we’re on a journey and have a lot of karma to work out. We think we have emotional and psychological issues and go outside ourselves to all kinds of healing modalities in search of our inner freedom—for relief from the drama and a little peace of mind. 

I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about from my own life experience. Perhaps you can relate. In the 80s I went through several years of psychotherapy. I pounded pillows, wrung towels, smashed a tennis racket on a trampoline, kicked, screamed, and cried buckets of tears. In order to have a “healthy” outlet for my anger I took up martial arts. And, I had my body worked on (Neuromuscular Integration). In the late 80s I spent six months at a counseling community. I got painfully honest, confessed my “sins”, pounded more pillows, did more screaming and crying, and sat in a lot of people’s laps for comfort, love, emotional support and nurture. 

Perhaps most revealing of all is that I spent 23 years in a religious movement (Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church) attempting to fulfill what then “the will of God” meant to me and I was serious, committed, and determined to prove my worthiness to God one way or another, even if I had to stand in a cold shower in the dead of winter for 21 minutes, fast seven days, pray for an hour three times a day and another 21 minutes before going to bed, and obey all the rules and regulations of the organization by maintaining its rituals, which included 5 a.m. “Pledge” services on Sundays and several church holidays throughout the year, and keeping a strict, regimented schedule which included lots of witnessing and fundraising. 

I allowed myself to be matched by Moon to a woman I was not the least bit attracted to, and was later married in a mass wedding of 2075 couples in Madison Square Garden. Most of the psychotherapy was an attempt to figure out what was wrong with me for not being able to love this woman, who triggered every button I had. The entire 23 year experience could be compared to trying to push a square peg through a round hole, attempting to shape-shift myself into whatever it was I thought God, Moon, my therapists, or my wife wanted me to be. There was no room for my own desires. 

When I made the decision in 1997 to pull myself out of all that religious drama, my wife and I divorced and I began a different kind of drama, a “spiritual” process that took me through many healing modalities as part of a deeper level search for healing because, in my mind, I still had tons of psychological and emotional issues to come to terms with. After all, I thought I had been a failure at love and at earning God’s grace. 

I had shiatsu done, went to a hands-on healer, spent hours on the phone with a woman who continually cleared out my aura of a lot of psychic confusion including uninvited non-physical entities who were hanging around, had several soul retrievals done to heal my inner child, went through a lot more counseling, experienced a re-birthing, Brain Gym, NLP, acupuncture, learned EFT, had weekly sessions with a man for over a year who used Muscular Response Testing to clear out all kinds of issues, and had several sessions with a woman who combined EFT and Psych-K. I also used a pendulum for years to “test” whether something was appropriate for me or not, went to all kinds of workshops, seminars, retreats, and meditation circles, had my astrological chart done, consulted psychics, palm readers, tarot cards, the I-Ching, and numerologists, chanted mantras and affirmations, tried all kinds of diets, and read every spiritual book I could get my hands on, devouring the contents attempting to quench an insatiable thirst for more and more knowledge and awareness. Oh, and I went to Venezuela to be with the love of my life (who I had met online) only to find myself at my dad’s a month later sobbing from a broken heart. 

All of this effort to heal created a safe and comfortable story. I was heavily into being spiritual and my identity became he who was absolutely committed to growing. That felt good to hold onto, like a security blanket. And indeed, as you can well imagine, I did grow. I absolutely benefited from every method I used and I certainly don’t intend to discount any of it because all of it was fun if not seductive, in that I enjoyed every minute of it. In fact, the thing I learned that helped me the most is the value of appreciation. However, the truth is, I was extremely addicted to suffering. 

Yet, even that I have come to appreciate because what was really happening throughout this entire process was that I was experiencing a growing awareness that the answers or solutions I was looking for were not to be found through anything on the outside; that in essence, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. 

Three years ago I decided I’d had enough of all this therapy and made a choice to begin loving myself. Then and only then did I begin to discover who I really am, and who I am not. I will share the bulk of my discoveries in other blog entries but the bottom line is that I realized that the divine is the simplest thing in the world. Outside of all the drama, all the mental chatter, all the seeking, there is a quiet, gentle, patient, and compassionate being waiting to be experienced. This being is who you really are and having the experience of melding with your true Self is but a choice away. That’s where true love lies. It’s really that simple. At the end of the day, the question is, what is it that you really want—chaos or peace? 

I will acknowledge that to get to the point where I was ready to make this choice took all the above mentioned inner work, but no matter what you’re going through, everything is going to be OK and I share this with you that you might appreciate knowing that you don’t have to put yourself through a lot of unnecessary suffering and searching, unless of course, that is what you choose.

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