Posted by: justbewhoyouare | April 8, 2011


Today is April 7, 2011. I awoke feeling lonely. Yesterday on my radio show (see, I spoke at length about several emotional aspects that had popped up on March 17th while I was dancing alone in my back yard. These aspects involved issues related to fear of sexuality, issues with women, issues with what I call my “savior complex”, and issues with my understanding of God. By honoring and accepting them, I was able to integrate several of these aspects and by the end of the day I felt raw and exposed. So when I awoke feeling lonely, I knew these emotions had arrived on the heels of yesterday’s experience, feeling safe enough to come home to my heart.

When I say lonely I mean I longed for a woman to be lying next to me in bed so we could gaze into each other’s eyes and feel each other’s energy and bodies. I wanted to devour everything about such a woman. But I wasn’t with a woman. I was with myself so I knew it was time to devour everything about me. I took a deep breath and felt into my desire for comfort, touch, to love and be loved, and allowed myself to feel this longing. Soon my emotions began to shift. It occurred to me that I haven’t been able to attract such an experience because I have deep-seated feelings of not being worthy. As I pondered this, I realized this is true for all my dreams—to have a home of my own on the water where I can feel nurtured by the environment around me and can entertain friends, to have an RV to travel the country in, to have a syndicated radio show picked up by hundreds of stations all over the country, to have a band I can create music together with—and a whole lot of other things as well. Unworthiness is insidious because it blocks the manifestation of a dream. Since our belief systems have everything to do with what we actually manifest in our world, with a belief in being unworthy those dreams can never materialize.

Feeling into the truth of all this was too much to bear and I wrapped my arms around my chest and allowed myself to cry. And cry I did—sobbed for probably half an hour or so. All I could do was have compassion for this aspect that was feeling so unworthy as well as sad because this unworthiness hasn’t allowed him to experience what he really wants. Oh I felt his pain, and the deeper it went the heavier the sobs, while at the same time, the more compassion I felt for this aspect of me. It’s not who I am but I created him once upon a time and so in my mind I repeated to him over and over that it was going to be okay, that I love him, and that it’s all going to work out—I don’t know how, but as the divine being that I am, I am worthy and I know all my dreams will come true. I just know and that’s enough. This aspect felt reassured and comforted from this. Eventually when the tears had stopped I felt at peace and savored the moment, feeling energy flowing through my body from head to toe. I felt alive.

Such was the beginning of what turned out to indeed be a sensually scrumptious day with me. When I was ready to get up I opened the blinds in the bedroom and was immediately greeted by a cardinal who landed on a branch near the window. I quickly ran to get my camera but when I was ready, it had flown to another branch further away, so I felt into my peaceful center and with my entire being invited it to come closer. As if it had heard me, right away it flew to a branch even closer than the first one so I could snap its picture at close range. Ah, life is good. I love me. Cardinals have been hanging around my home lately but I’ve never been able to get a picture of one so this was sweet. They’re such a beautiful bird.

After using the restroom I went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Out the kitchen window I saw a squirrel playing with an orange so I again grabbed my camera and slowly opened the sliding door by the back porch. The squirrel instantly stood up on its hind legs in an alert stance but I was able to take its picture before it scampered away. A little later I saw another one on the back fence actually eating an orange and was able to get a picture of it using the zoom feature on my camera.

While eating, I curled up on a sofa chair and submerged myself into “Wonderful Tonight” by Pattie Boyd. I’m not even a third finished but so far so good. I love any stories about those who knew the Beatles intimately. I was in heaven. A few hours quickly passed but then my body began calling me to get out into the fresh air and sunshine. I grabbed my camera and some bottled water and was off to a nearby park, which has a wonderful trail that winds along a stream, secluded from the rest of the city. It was 86 degrees and partly cloudy—awesome Florida spring weather. There is a really neat boardwalk at the entrance to the park and a small waterfall not far from that. I snapped a picture of these.

As I walked along, I stayed conscious of my breath as often as I could to remain in the present moment so I could maintain with the sensually scrumptious experience I was having. I spent a few moments energetically connecting to the stream, then came upon a small spider web. Spider webs are amazing, so detailed and delicate. I took a picture, not sure how clear the web would be seen because it was small and so thin. Soon a beautiful blue dragonfly flew right by me and landed on a leaf in front of me. I had all the time in the world to get pictures of it because it didn’t budge even after I had taken several and moved along. A little ways further I caught a glimpse of something slithering into the brush. I knew it was a snake and again centered myself and spoke to it from within, asking for it to let itself be seen. I stood there silently for only a few moments when suddenly it poked its head out and posed for a picture.

The trail gives way to a grassy area at the other end of the park and beyond that it turns into large lovely homes. As I came around a bend a mailbox came into clear view with the address 1111 on it. This number carries a great deal of energy with it and I felt blessed because of it. Another home had what looked like two miniature totem poles carved by its front gate. I didn’t stay long in the residential area but while I was there I did have a sensual experience—the smell of fresh cut grass, the sight of the homes against the partly cloudy sky, and the sound of birds chirping in the distance.

On the return trip back through the park, I came across a bed of beautiful small lavender flowers and a little later noticed a Scarlet Taneater, a bird similar to a cardinal, scurrying along a dirt area near the stream. This walk turned out to be a delightful sensual experience and I felt much appreciation and love for me for giving myself this gift.

When I got back I laid down for about an hour and breathed, feeling so relaxed and loved, so connected to who I really am. This turned into a short nap and when I awoke I felt refreshed. After taking a joyful shower, singing a love song to myself, I headed out to have a sensual Reuben sandwich at my favorite diner. It came with fries and was simply scrumptious.

When I got back home it was time to top the evening off by watching a dvd of “Carlos Santana Plays Blues at Montreux 2004”. Talk about sensual! Wow! This was some serious musical entertainment with Carlos joining the likes of Clarence ‘Gatemouth’ Brown, Bobby Parker and Buddy Guy. The last set with Buddy featured Barbara Morrison on vocals. Later Eric Demmer on saxophone and Bobby on guitar joined the ranks for a finale that was incredibly sensual. There is much I can learn from these musicians on how to be sensual with my guitar.

For me, this day was a milestone, for truly allowing myself to be sensual has taken a lot of inner work. At the end of the day it occurred to me that today was my mother’s birthday and though we weren’t that close when she was alive (she died in December 2009), I felt her smile and love for me, knowing that I’m beginning to accept who I am and am opening up my heart to love. It just goes to show that with a little allowance of our emotional aspects, trusting yourself and breathing with life, one can have a sensually scrumptious day.

For a visual experience of the pictures mentioned above, go to:!/photo.php?fbid=1982264360993&set=a.1982262360943.114023.1374738421&theater



  1. Oh how I love your recalling this experience of tapping into an aspect or little orphan of yoursef that was unworthy! It served you for sometime in some way, you recognized it and have allowed it not to be afraid in your present.

    It is a wonderful teaching and reminder for me as well:-)

    I delighted in your descriptions of the sensual experiences that followed. Your awareness and allowance of you being just what is needed for you…so good!

    Thank you, Paul, for the beautiful teaching you have offered in this post.



    • Hi Colleen. Again I am in great appreciation for your comments. It is comforting to know that someone else gets what I’m talking about. I can tell that there are many more unworthy aspects still in hiding but yesterday’s experience was a milestone because it allowed me to provide a safe haven which some rejoiced over. Now that they have integrated, the others are even more curious and really want to come home too. In other words, the door is now open whereas before it probably wasn’t so much for these specific unworthy aspects. Anyway, that’s my way of saying I love and appreciate me–and you as well for reflecting that love back to me. Blessings to you dear friend. Paul

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