Posted by: justbewhoyouare | May 5, 2011

THE AWAKENING, PART 2

*This is the second half of the blog post, “The Awakening, Part 1”

As I stated, the Awakening is a shift in consciousness. One of the biggest symptoms of the Awakening is that you feel as though your world is beginning to fall apart. Nothing seems to be working quite like it did before and you have no idea why. Living within this game, going through struggles, we find certain manufactured emotions and thoughts that allow us to feel somewhat safe while we go through it all. During the Awakening you’ll discover that when you go back to these safe manufactured thoughts and emotions, they are no longer working to give you that safe feeling. This can be a bit disconcerting. If this is happening to you, know that this is just a symptom of the Awakening.

You also know you are awakening when you quite literally begin questioning the entire belief system you have been living under. Such questioning doesn’t have to be happening on a conscious level but when you do become conscious of it, you realize that you can no longer continue living according to such beliefs. You’re not sure what it is about your beliefs but you just know that something isn’t right. This knowing becomes the catalyst to catapult you into shifting your focus from the outside world to what’s going on within yourself. You realize you don’t really know yourself that well. You begin asking serious question about life and start letting the universe (whatever your version of God is) know that in no uncertain terms, you want some answers about what’s going on. And this is when you will begin to realize on a conscious level that you are so much more than you thought you were. You may even have an experience in which you realize that you are a divine being having a human experience, although that’s not necessary. For example, one time while lying on a bed relaxing I saw my spirit hovering above me. That told me that I was not just a body—that I had a spirit. Another time while meditating I saw myself sitting across from me looking at me. I said to this image, “if you’re me, who am I?” Again, I realized that I am not a body, I am a spirit, which is using a physical body to have an experience.

But even without having any experience like this, basically you just know something’s going on in your life that’s never happened before. If this is happening in your life, I assure you that everything is going to be okay. The best thing you can do is to just allow it to happen. As much as possible, step back from the drama and observe—and breathe. You are never alone. The divine in you is always with you so you are always safe and will always be taken care of.

It is possible things could get really intense in your life so that you may feel as though you’re going crazy. When I was shifting my thinking away from Moon’s thought, my emotions were like a yo-yo and I felt very vulnerable. At one point I had four car accidents within five months that left me feeling emotionally exhausted and helpless. My finances were a disaster. I was so devastated that even though I had a degree in broadcasting as well as a graduate degree in Religion, the only job I could function at was a graveyard security position (that’s how emotionally challenges it was for me to release Moon’s truth) but it was okay. My heart began to open up. I began experiencing what had been going on within me that I had been ignoring—opening up that Pandora’s box. I stopped trying to hide from myself. Though it was indeed very rocky emotionally, I felt good deep down because I knew I was honoring my heart, no longer forcing myself to do something I had been told to do when I knew I didn’t really want to do it. I felt so incredibly free to not have to run out ever day doing all those missionary activities. And I love myself so much today for having the courage to step away from that box. What a beautiful gift I gave myself to pull away from the loathing of myself, refusing to listen to my heart.

It doesn’t have to be so extreme however. Everyone experiences the Awakening in your own unique way. The common thread will be that while you’re going through circumstances that make you feel as though your life is falling apart, something will always come into your life to support and encourage you. This happens because of those tools I referred to earlier that we gave ourselves. We’ve carried them for centuries, always knowing that when we were really ready, they’d be there to serve us.

For me, it was finding a copy of “Conversations With God” by Neale Donald Walsch. As I read this book, I resonated with every word. Walsch stated that God wanted me to do whatever I wanted to do. Such an idea was radical and revolutionary for me and helped me to open up my heart towards myself. Inside I had a knowing that everything was going to be okay, that somehow I was going to get through this. This knowing gave me great comfort when my Moon-chosen wife of 16 years decided to divorce me in 1998 and I found myself living alone for the first time in my life.

As you can see, the Awakening will change your life. Anything that no longer serves you, that is not appropriate for the next level of awareness and inner realization to the truth of who you really are, will fall away. Your relationships, your employment, even where you live may change. Again, it doesn’t have to be a scary thing or even dramatic. This is a natural process that you have agreed to on a soul level and exactly what you need to feel safe will come to you. The Awakening is about developing a trust in your divine Self. It is about cultivating a safe space within your heart where you can go to when things get turbulent. The divine within you adores everything about you. It has been amazed at all these experiences you’ve been having. What it is gently inviting us to do in the Awakening process is that we learn to trust it.

For me, everything in my life totally changed. The area that improved the most was my relationship with myself. Most of my life I had heavily loathed myself, which is why I forced myself to work hard for Moon. His lifestyle demanded sacrificing food, sleep, and sex in order to “build the heavenly kingdom.” During my twenties I rarely slept more than four hours a night, often less. I took twenty-one minute cold showers in the dead of winter (and would wonder why my neck, shoulder, and back muscles were knotted up like a steel drum all the time). I fasted occasionally, which included a couple seven-day fasts, and was often doing three 21-minute prayer conditions during the day plus another hour at night. I had a central figure visit me once who called me a “prayer monster” because even he was not into praying that much. I considered my work ethic to be second to none. I felt I was a standard for intense focus on getting the job done. I believed there was no time to be lazy—that was considered an attack from the devil. There was even a time when I would literally whip myself because I believed I was not good enough or worthy enough in the eyes of God.

The bottom line is that I wanted to be accepted by God because I couldn’t accept myself. I expected Moon to take responsibility for me. On the day I died I believed Moon would be there, serving as a defense lawyer for me before God, defending all the incredible sacrifices I had made on his behalf, attempting to convince God that I was worthy to be allowed through the pearly gates. This was an addiction to suffering due a belief that said it was a necessary means to become worthy. This is what the mind came up with and called it religion.

When I made the choice to separate from such a lifestyle and began living and working alone, I was learning to trust my choices and to not worry that God was going to strike me dead for making them. It was actually a very reassuring time because, not only did that not happen, but for the first time in my life I had time to be creative and was relaxing on a daily basis, something I never had done. It felt fantastic. In addition, I was drawn to a whole new group of friends, people who were going through similar things. The more I relaxed and released the BS that no longer served me, I no longer chose to torment myself with such heavy conditions like fasting and cold showers. Even the desire to whip myself naturally fell away.

While this process was slowly and gently taking place an amazing thing began to happen. My perception of life itself and how the world works began to shift dramatically. I realized there is no God or devil outside myself and that in fact, they were one and the same and existed inside me. I understood that energy is neither light nor dark but rather, all energy is neutral and serves humanity according to our perception of the way things are. In other words, if you believe you are not worthy, then all energy will conspire to prove you right. Everything in your world occurs to support your belief in unworthiness. You barely have enough money, friendship, love, things, what have you. On the other hand, if you have a deep sense of confidence, you will experience energy working in a way that supports your belief. Success will seem natural and you’ll never be without. Energy literally doesn’t care what we choose. Its nature is unconditional. It supports our choice because we are the divine masters of energy.

With this understanding, I chose to no longer see my life through the eyes of a victim. I started discovering that on the deepest level, I was responsible for everything that was going on in my world. This means that everything in the world is working perfectly in accordance to the choices I personally am making, and humanity as a whole is collectively making, and that both somehow work together to become what I perceive reality to be. This isn’t something the mind will ever understand but it was never supposed to understand. It was only when we chose to give the mind the task of guiding our lives that it then began attempting to control life hoping to understand it. That’s when it began defining and judging everything and the result was multiple boxes that defined how life is supposed to be lived. In the Awakening process it’s time to let go of these definitions that keep us living our life within regimented boxes. They no longer serve us.

That having been said, I also realized I had a tremendous amount of what I call emotional “aspects.” We are all triggered by outside circumstances. Whether by people or things, situations in our lives tend to occasionally wreak emotional havoc. When I believed I was a victim to these circumstances, I felt there was little, if anything I could do to change my emotional state other than to do all those conditions involving sacrifice, hoping God would forgive me for being an unworthy sinner and offer His grace to me. But even when I was doing all those conditions, I found I couldn’t escape certain types of individuals that would always annoy me. But when I realized the real me is the creator, it occurred to me that once upon a time, this lifetime or another, I had been energetically out of balance, which resulted in either me causing others and/or myself to suffer. Either way, at the time this was happening, I did not know that deep down I had all the tools within me to embrace the out-of-balance me so I avoided such emotions, causing them to get stuck, becoming an “aspect”.

You could look at this in another way. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. Since you cannot destroy energy, this stuck energy never actually goes away. In fact, at its core it seeks resolution or to come into balance, much like water seeks its own level when nothing interferes with it. It cannot remain stuck indefinitely. All energy needs to flow and when we place energy into a structure that gets stuck, which is what we do when we create emotional aspects, that energy is going to naturally seek a way to become unstuck because it needs to flow. If we resist allowing it to become unstuck, it will eventually create something dramatic enough to get our attention so that we will finally let go of the resistance and allow this energy to flow again.

This is why opportunities to release aspects make their way into our lives. Someone or some circumstance shows up to trigger the stuck emotion. It really has nothing to do with whatever triggered it other than that is what is being used as the catalyst to get the energy moving again. In that moment if you allow it to be released, all is well with the energy; it’s flowing once again. However, if in that moment you resist releasing it, pushing it away again, yes, it will go back into hiding but for only so long. At some point it again returns to your world seeking release. The continual resistance of this release will cause an eventual blow up where the energy can finally be released in a very dramatic way. This could be a car accident or anything that you would consider major drama. The earth changes—earthquakes and tornadoes for example, are actually nature’s way of supporting this need for stuck energy to be released.

The amazing thing I realized is that this is a natural process that is always taking place so any stuck emotion I am carrying is going to naturally draw into my world that which will give it an opportunity to come into balance, or what I call “integrate” within me so that it is no longer out of balance. Without an understanding of this process, my normal reaction to unwanted emotions was to push them away (not to mention blame whoever I thought was responsible for them) but when I realized all my emotions wanted was to be integrated, I began to take responsibility for having created them by allowing them to just be and further, to embrace them with compassion and acceptance, something I’d never given them, which is why they were out of balance in the first place.

One of the first tools I learned about that helped the Awakening process to go more smoothly was breathing. When taking deep breaths through the nose and bringing the air all the way into the depth of your belly, the energy goes beyond. It flows to the tips of your toes and to the top of your head and even beyond that. What breathing helps to do is to ground your energy and to bring you out of your head and into the now moment. Of course, if you’re like me, you’re still going to observe a lot of mental activity going on while breathing but when you realize that you the observer is something separate from the mind, this is a major experience because you then understand that you are not your mind nor are you your thoughts. And the truth is, you’re not your emotions either. These emotional aspects may have been created by you but they are not who you really are. You are a being of consciousness who shapes energy into patterns that manifest all around you as your perception of reality.

Over time, I chose four simple tools that allowed me to tap into the divine, compassionate lover that I am deep inside, and these tools helped me integrate a tremendous amount of aspects. I would apply these tools each time an emotion was triggered for whatever reason. The first tool is to just say, “Yes” to the emotion, or in other words, to accept it as it is without any need to change it. For example, certain kinds of women have always been a trigger source for me. I feel as though the life is going to be sucked out of me and I’m going to be used, betrayed and abandoned. When such women appeared in my world, these emotions were immediately triggered. Rather than to run from them, like I always had been doing, I chose to begin saying “Yes” to these emotions, which opened the door of my heart. I felt compassion for the hurt little boy who at some point in my history must have had such an experience with a woman, becoming emotionally devastated, believing himself to be a victim. The new, real me was now able to visit that wounded aspect within me and offer it the love and compassion it never received at the time it was created. However, it’s important to know that any hint of attempting to control or change these aspects will only cause them to go back into hiding. They are not fooled by what I call spiritual BS. They need to feel authentic care or they will accuse you for being a fake.

The second tool is to say, “Thank you” to the aspect. I expressed genuine appreciation and gratitude to these hurting aspects for trusting me enough to show up. Often I did this as I was sobbing with my arms wrapped around myself. Which is something else I realized—that when I received comfort from anyone else, while it always felt good, it never really did anything for the aspect because the other person was not responsible for creating it. Energy can only be brought into balance by whoever actually created it. I spent six months at a Christian community, which had a counseling program that included allowing participants to sit on the lap of the counselors when in need of emotional support. Sometimes I would sob while on their lap and felt very comforted and healed from the experience. And yet, while I felt as though this hurt little boy was healed when comforted by another, it turns out that wasn’t the case at all. Later he returned with all his issues.

The third tool became “I love you,” which naturally flowed from appreciation. I offered words of comfort and support, always letting the aspect know that I was never going to abandon it, that it was safe in my arms, and that everything was going to work out even though I the human didn’t actually know how. I also used the fourth tool, saying “I am that I am,” to let this aspect know that I am the one it has been looking for. I am the lover, the God, or whatever it thought it wanted and needed in order to be healed, I am that one.

I have had several moments when aspects of great despair in which I felt hopeless and helpless, or apathetic and lifeless appeared. Other times aspects of anger and rage, and even fear and trepidation popped up. It was always using these four tools that pulled me through these moments. I allowed myself to feel the emotions. I embraced the anger and rage, the fear and trepidation, the apathy and indifference, and the despair and hopelessness, with these tools. In the words of Marianne Williamson, author of “Every Day Grace,” “A friend will see us at our worst, as well as our best. A friend will not close his or her heart when we have made a mistake. A friend will not condemn us but will compassionately support our return to a state of grace.” Using these four tools has allowed me to become my own best friend. I learned to treat myself the way Williamson is suggesting. I have found wonderful friends through such websites as Facebook and having such friends is wonderful, and can be a great support, but I know that I am the one I can always count on to be there for me in times of despair when no one else is around. At the end of the day I know I will never abandon myself—ever. I know I am the only one I can truly trust to take care of me.

Beyond these four tools I realized there are yet other tools that can help in the Awakening process. For example, any form of expression as in being creative, is a great way to allow your soul to come forth and be seen. I play the guitar, write and speak, and all of these forms of expression have the potential to bring great joy when I’m out of the mind, expressing from my heart. Just as exciting to me is dance. After twelve years as a martial artist, I spent a few years square dancing and a few more years line dancing. By then I realized that dance, for me, is a fantastic way to get into my body, out of the mind, and to feel the natural state of joy. That’s when I created New Energy Dance Expression. Feeling isn’t something that has come natural to me because I tend to be in my head more often than not. For this reason, dance can bring me a lot of joy because I am connecting to the divine within me. This feeling is who I am. It’s not an emotion. It’s much deeper than emotion.

In addition to dance, laughter is always a great way to relax and get out of the head. Laughter is related to play, which is what we all experienced as a child. When a child is in the thick of play they are engrossed in the now moment. They don’t have a care in the world and they lose track of all sense of time. Children are a great example of what living in the now moment looks like (which is the only moment that exists). I sometimes watch funny movies or hilarious comedians and also try to do something that is fun as often as I can. In addition, I often act silly and giggle with myself. I love to make myself laugh.

The Awakening that is taking place in the world in this now moment is in essence, a call from within by your very own soul to wake up from the dream you’ve been living of believing yourself to be a victim and thus, always looking outside yourself for solutions. This dream in constantly being played out in the theater of the mind, in both the past and future, which are both non-existant. Your soul, the divine, wants to meld with you. It wants to become your best friend. It wants you to know that it adores you and has never ever judged anything you have done, ever. It understands you better than anyone else could possibly understand you and it has always been and always will be with you. If you choose to develop a genuine relationship with your soul you will become authentic and real, and this is precisely what the world is seeking now. Deep down we are all collectively tired of being lied to and cheated upon but we are also tired because we are the ones who have been lying—to ourselves, and therefore, cheating ourselves out of a life that somewhere deep inside we know we deserve, and our external world has simply been reflecting this back to us—in our face. Your soul is now calling you to let go of the need to put on a façade. It wants to get to know the real you. Who are you? When you can answer this question honestly, your life will change forever.

*This blog entry is a transcript of the second half of a radio show I did on the same topic. If you would like to listen to the show, go to: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mastering-true-love/2011/05/04/the-awakening

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Responses

  1. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And for reflecting back to me WHO I TRULY AM!

    • On Maribel, it is my pleasure, as always–but your words are very moving. Thank you so much. It hasn’t been easy being me but I’m slowly learning to lighten up and let go and enjoy myself. And your comments help a lot. Love ya’

  2. Your blog is truly original and insightful, Paul. As I read, I feel myself absorb the meaning of your words on several levels. The concept of integrating emotions is difficult, but you’ve manged to explain it like nobody else can.
    Through life’s hardships, you have become a master alchemist, transforming difficult experiences into the gold of wisdom. How wonderful that you are fullfilling your soul’s purpose and helping so many people.
    Thank you for sharing with us, Mary

    • Thank you Mary. I truly appreciate your kind words. Integrating emotions can indeed be challenging and since I’ve had my share of perhaps the darkest, it seemed a no-brainer to share what I’ve been learning. The contents in this blog are just the tip of the iceburg actually. Blessings to you…Paul

  3. Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually realize what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally consult with my web site =). We may have a link exchange arrangement between us


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