Posted by: justbewhoyouare | June 2, 2011


During the months of April and May 2011, I had three sessions of Synchrotize facilitated by Heather Teach. Basically this process allows you to make a clear conscious choice in your life. For each session I stated an intention: 1) To balance my inner male and female, 2) To be in full alignment with my sovereignty, and 3) To allow my natural state of abundance, joy and laughter. I had such a profound experience in each one of these sessions that by the time they were over I felt connected to my soul in a way I’d never felt before. What happened next was that some of the most core aspects I’ve been harboring began rising to the surface to be experienced and integrated. Among them was bitterness towards women and God and a tendency to use women sexually for my own gain. Energy feeding can be seen within the way each of these aspects vie for attention.

Naturally, I can speak best about what I’ve personally had to deal with so I will introduce what energy feeding is by highlighting certain ways that aspects of me have used feeding in an attempt to gain something. The illusion that we are separate from the divine and that we are flawed at birth have caused us to look for ourselves on the outside. However, because we chose to buy into the illusion of being separate from the divine, we planted a desire within us to remember who we are, that we are divine. We desire to re-connect to our natural state of joy. Instead of feeling this connection, we feel empty. Naturally then, the mind thinks that the key to finding ourselves as well as true joy lies in something outside of us, and so we began to literally feed off of each other energetically, hoping to fill that place within us. What this means is that instead of finding the divine within, we look towards someone else whom we can feed energetically off of in order to have any kind of experience, even though we don’t necessarily connect to the divine in this way. This is quite literally an attempt to make up for what we have not been able or willing to give to ourselves on the inside.

In fact, you could say that every single thing all of us do at any given time is always motivated without exception, because we desire to feel good—which means we desire to experience the divine. Otherwise, we would not make such a choice. I don’t care if a person chooses to murder someone else. The motivation deep down (whether they know it or not) is because they believe they will feel better after the fact. You could say then that the motivation behind all action is to return to our natural state of joy. Put in yet another way, you could say the motivation behind all action is coming from the place within us that desires to know who we really are. We want to touch the face of God. Now we can understand that all energy feeding is our way of attempting to have that experience. We believe that we can taste a bit of the divine through something or someone outside ourselves. This is because we were never taught that the divine is found within us. Actually, we all collectively agreed to intermingle our energies because we had hope that someone might just tap into an authentic way to get back to the divine and none of us wanted to miss out on this knowing should someone else have such an experience. This is why energy feeding has been our historical experience.

There are an enormous amount of ways that feeding occurs. It’s so normal we really don’t think anything of it. For example, just sitting watching television can be a major source of feeding energetically, as can Facebook. When I’m trying to write on my computer and yet find myself being continuously pulled back to Facebook to add my comments on people’s posts or to see if anyone commented on my posts, I know I’m feeding. In another example, we feed off each other with our friends. We lean on each other for emotional support, friendship, and to have a sense of social connection with our fellow human beings on the planet. We don’t mind this at all.

On the other hand, you’ve probably heard of “energy vampires” and indeed, the term implies someone literally sucking energy from another. You probably have met someone who always seems to drain your energy when you’re with them. There was a time when an aspect of me was an energy vampire. Anyone I could find to lend me an ear, I would launch into poor me mode and expect their sympathy and understanding. But what I was really seeking was attention and approval big time because I was completely incapable of giving it to myself. Energy vampires are an extreme type of feeding. Whether it’s being done consciously or unconsciously, energy vampires have such a strong need to feel alive and hence, feed off of others energetically that those they feed off of can usually feel their energy literally being drained. They might feel smothered or taken advantage of. In such cases, they’ll try to get away from the vampire, but for others who aren’t so draining, we allow feeding to occur between us all the time. It’s a socially accepted norm.

Just as there are many ways that people feed, there are also a variety of reasons for why people feed. Victimhood arose because the mind was not satisfied with the now moment. The desire for acceptance and approval caused us to find others to feed off of to gain that approval. There are many ways in which we feed in search of acceptance, from simply telling our victim story to another in order to solicit sympathy like I did, to trying to make ourselves look better than others. There are endless examples. Feeding provides an energetic shot in the arm so we can experience an increase in energy. This is why we continue to feed. In fact, we are addicted to it.

For years my own desire to be accepted or gain approval had me trying to save the world for Moon. Later I realized I loved to teach, so I created websites, books, CDs and a radio show, yet on some level I knew this was just more ways to feed, maybe not as intensely as I once did but still, I was still hoping to gain the love and respect of others. In other words, manipulating people in order to create my own livelihood so I can feel good about myself. “Look at all these things I do. Aren’t I cool?” This was my way of validating to me or proving to myself that I’m a great person, that I matter, that I am worthy. If I could get someone to show they cared about me then I felt it must be true. Of course, this never worked because even if I received praise or some kind of acceptance, it was never good enough because my action was motivated for such gain.

So what was I to do? Well, I contemplated several times about giving it all up. Perhaps living as a farmer, quietly tilling the soil unknown to the rest of the world. That could be a wonderful experience in connecting to my soul. However, every time I asked my soul about this I received clear guidance that it’s not about giving up the action. My process of remembering who I am is about learning how to let go of the addiction. So, I continue choosing the same actions while shifting from having a need to gain approval to acting from a sincere desire that’s coming from my soul. I’m still in this process. To truly master this is true love, what some call enlightenment, but these days I do feel a great deal of joy when simply sharing my truth regardless of the means, and regardless of the response. If no one cared I would still share because I am teaching myself. I’m the one learning how to step into sovereignty through writing and speaking my truth.

Of all the ways there are to feed off of each other, it can be said that the most potent way we use is through some form of sexuality. When used for our own gain, it becomes such a powerfully seductive force that we can easily compromise our integrity, even give away our freedom, in order to be accepted, to gain approval, to feel safe and protected, to gain affection, or what have you—there are several motivations.

I already discussed in my first two books about information I learned regarding previous lifetimes in which I was either abused sexually by a woman or I was the one abusing women in a sexual way for my own gain. Either way, I carried the aspects created in these experiences into this life to be resolved once and for all. For this reason, sexuality has in one form or another been involved in the issues of so many of the aspects I have experienced and invited to come home. I will give several examples.

I made an appointment to get a massage recently and at the hour of the appointment, arrived before the massage therapist did. When she showed up she was wearing a sexy top and low-cut shorts, with a sucker in her mouth, which she kept in throughout the massage. I found her attractive in a seductive way and yet, while I observed this about her dress and behavior, I didn’t think much of it. I assumed she would give me the full body massage I came to get. However, at one point during the massage I was on my back and she was working behind my head on my scalp and neck. She put her hands on my neck and left ear and held them there for a couple of minutes. Almost immediately I started to relax. Her touch felt very soothing and comforting. Before long, I started getting sexually aroused, which had to be obvious to her because only a thin blanket covered my lower body. She then switched to my right ear, gently touching me there long enough that the arousal increased. I sensed this was her desired intent when I opened my eyes and looked into her eyes, which were directly above mine, and saw them twinkling with a seductive look, sucker still in her mouth.

This was a wonderful first hand experience of how sexuality can be used to feed energetically. In this case, she was attempting to manipulate me for her own gain. When the massage was over she spoke in a very sweet, sexy voice, asking if I enjoyed myself and if I’d like to come back. I didn’t say anything, just took her card and went on my way. I could still feel the sexual desire as I was driving away and later at home, as I contemplated this experience, I felt it was perhaps her way of manipulating men, using her sexual prowess to gain money, but also power because if we keep coming back for more and tip her as well, she feels she has conquered us, and this is her way of feeding off of men in order to feel good about herself, to feel alive really. It also gives her the feeling that she matters because she has what it takes to create her own livelihood. She uses sexuality to create a living through manipulation. That has to feel good. Upon further reflection however, I realized all this awareness was actually true about me and that this woman was simply reflecting my aspects back to me. Not easy to swallow but true nonetheless.

In addition, I could tell that somewhere inside I was judging myself for becoming aroused, as if there was something wrong with it. This was not surprising considering this is how sexuality has been used historically by both sexes, not exclusively in this way, but as long as we have not known who we are, we have always been taking advantage of each other for mutual gain—searching for inner fulfillment on the outside because there’s no ability to stand sovereign, knowing that the source of love and fulfillment is on the inside. When we use sexuality to manipulate others into giving us some aspect of them, whether it’s money, time, affection, or even their integrity, in order that we can feel worthy and confident, that we matter, all such emotions we gain from this are actually false. They’re not real because they are manufactured by the mind as a way to make up for not being in touch with the life force of the universe, which is inside us, and therefore, we feel a lack of parental love or perhaps affection, causing us to desire attention and approval. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel good when feeding. Of course you do. What it means is that the source we not inside so when the good feelings fade, you have to keep going back for more.

This understanding is nothing new to me. My soul has been teaching me about manipulation for quite some time. What’s been hard for me has been to not judge myself for being a manipulator. I’ve been really good at grasping truth and have a wonderful gift in being able to articulate it well, through both the written as well as spoken word. And yet, the hardest of all has been to live my truth. Yes, I’ve been developing an enormous amount of compassion, but the same day I received this massage I danced for about an hour on my back porch and in the process, threw my hip out of place, which I knew was my soul asking me to take time for inner reflection. I began asking what this was about. A few days later I got a chiropractic adjustment but it didn’t hold so I went back for a second adjustment two days after that. However, that one didn’t hold either and unfortunately it was the beginning of the Memorial Day holiday weekend so I couldn’t get re-adjusted again until the following Tuesday. I had no choice but to go within and ask for more clarity. “Why is this happening to me?” Right away answers began pouring through me. I realized it was time to take a look at my life from an entirely different perspective than I have ever done before.

All the women in my life who have played any sort of significant role on the stage of my play have, with one exception, had their own agendas for being there, just as I had my agenda for writing them into my script. If I was at anytime unable to supply whatever it was they were feeding off of me for, that was cause for ending the relationship. Likewise, if I perceived that they were not providing me what I had initially hoped they would, I’d drop them in a heartbeat. Either way, the fact that I wasn’t being true to me caused my life to be in turmoil. Pain is a clever teacher. If there’s anything the soul can use to get our attention, it’s pain. However, it tends to be a last resort, showing up only when we’ve failed to choose to become consciously aware of the inner guidance of the soul, which is always there. Making choices based on your intuition is being mindful of your inner wisdom. Your soul is the only aspect of you that knows what you truly want and what you need to receive it into your life because your soul is the only thing about you that is real. Once I understood that challenging situations and people were teachers helping me to see what I did and did not want, as much as I remembered to, I began appreciating what life was giving me.

In December 2007 I began working a telemarketing job that challenged me on every level. It was physically demanding and at times, emotionally excruciating. Some people had no problem offering me their opinion of telemarketers. But I did my best to see the gift they offered and after four months was promoted to become a financial counselor, which was part of the package I had been selling on the phone. This was heaven for me because I have a gift for being understanding and compassionate and this is exactly what I could offer those whose finances were a mess. Yet, it wasn’t long before the company’s ownership changed hands and the new owner felt my gift could be best used in customer service where I encountered angry, bitter customers who regretted having allowed themselves to be talked into buying something from a telemarketer and now they wanted out. A day didn’t go by where I had to deal with this sort of person on the phone.

Thanks to the choice I had made long before to see the gift in all things, it wasn’t very often that I would allow someone to rile my cage with their bitterness and demand for a refund, and even when it did I was able to breathe through it, if not while I had them on the phone, then sometime shortly thereafter. Eventually life reflected my inner growth. One day out of the blue the owner moved me into my own office where all I had to do every day was use the computer to write rebuttals to customers who had taken their desire for a refund into their own hands by calling their credit card company and demanding a chargeback. I seldom had to speak with anyone else about anything and I was making well over twice the pay I had started with at the company. Again, I was heaven.

Still, I knew I was fighting a losing battle for the company and I also felt my soul gently prodding me to follow my passion for writing and speaking on a full time level. I could see the handwriting on the wall when suddenly in December 2009 there were no funds to pay the employees. I allowed myself to be coaxed into staying based on promises and small weekly stipends but by late January 2010 I decided to give notice and two weeks after my last day the company folded. That was my ticket to write Apostle Paul: The Untold Story, which I finished in less than two months. In that short amount of time I had taken a good hard look at the Apostle and my relationship with him, and had made a choice to release a need to suffer that I’d been carrying with me ever since that lifetime 2000 years ago.

After that, even though I had a lot of fear because of no longer having a paycheck, I continued to follow my passion. In June I created a blog and I began my radio show in September. I learned much from these experiences, especially from the guests I had on my show. Well, at the outset of 2011, I did not have enough money to pay my rent so I was prepared to live out of my car while continuing to write and do my radio show because that is what I felt strongly my soul was telling me to do. As it turned out, I didn’t have to do that. Instead, my brother invited me to house sit a vacant home he had been trying to sell for two years without success. Moving into that home opened up yet another chapter for me, one of deep reflection. I changed the frequency of my show from weekly to bi-weekly and delved into asking for clarity. “Why is money still not flowing?” “Why am I landlocked in north central Florida when I have a yearning to travel and a love of the beach?”

That’s when I returned to the book I’m working on now, which was actually half finished before I even began working on the Apostle Paul book. Once I chose to let that particular lifetime go, I knew there were some bitter, revengeful aspects from lifetimes that went way beyond the Apostles that I was still identifying with. They too were seeking the compassion of their creator to feel embraced. I had yet to see their issues for what they were—gifts I gave myself once to protect a tender heart that absolutely did not want to be broken ever again. I learned from my Angelic Team of an ancient Egyptian lifetime in which an aspect of me had been abused sexually and then abandoned by a High Priestess and because of this had vowed to never again allow himself to be abused. Because this aspect held this woman responsible for my emotional demise, he chose to make women pay by withholding love from them, even considering them to be second-class citizens.

While I had no doubt initially made such a vow on a conscious level, when I carried this vow with me into new lifetimes I had no memory of it. Instead, in an attempt to relieve the deep-seated emotions of anger and loneliness that I carried as a result of this vow, an aspect of me chose to feed off of women sexually, hoping they would satisfy this unquenchable thirst. When that didn’t work, in later lifetimes an aspect of me turned his attention towards men, hoping to use them sexually for the same reason. Again, I had no memory of why I was compelled to do any of this. When the Apostle’s lifetime occurred, I carried this desire for men with me into a culture whose religious rules forbade same-sex relationships and this fueled bitterness towards God.

That’s when an aspect of me gave permission to my mind to manufacture lies about me being a victim of a God who demands obedience and punishes those who don’t obey. The rage this created combined with his desire for freedom was so intense that it literally attracted the blinding light experience with Jesus and the eventual saved by the blood theology. For the last 2000 years I carried some of these aspects I’ve described into any given lifetime. For example, at times I brought with me the gay energy but was severely persecuted for it. Other times an aspect of me abused women sexually, refusing to let them off the hook. More often than not though, I brought in aspects that needed to please God, and all the bitterness toward Him came along with it. Today this is the lifetime I chose to bring all these issues with me, trusting I would find a way to bring all these aspects into balance through letting go of all the illusions, remembering the truth of who I am, and finding the natural state of joy I’ve been keeping at an arms length all these centuries.

I’ve learned from first-hand experience about energy feeding thanks to a variety of hurting, longing, and even bitter aspects. For example, I watched a video of young women stripping naked very erotically. I became very sexually turned. The energy feeding began from the very beginning of the video. It was a powerful education in how energy feeding occurs through sexual seduction. I went out to eat afterwards but could not be present enough to thoroughly enjoy my food because I was still thinking about her, still feeding off of her, still craving her energy. This feeding gave me a false sense of comfort because with the craving for more still within me, I knew it did nothing to nurture my heart, body, spirit, or even my mind.

There was nothing right or wrong about having given myself this experience and yet, I knew I was allowing myself to be controlled by her seductive energy because I still had not been willing to go inside and find the love that her body was representing for me. And yet, I allowed myself the pleasure of watching her because I wanted to release all such beliefs that there was something wrong with doing it. Having spent several lifetimes living with vows of chastity, I brought a heavy loathing of my sexuality with me into this life. For the better part of my life the mere thought of touching myself “down there” caused guilt so you can imagine the challenge I had to allow myself to be sexual when I was actually with a woman.

In addition, there was a time when I had aspects that were obsessed with being spanked for sexual pleasure. Even when I was married I often spanked myself unbeknownst to her but after she left me, I was also drawn to watching naked women being whipped. I learned once from a reliable source that this was because in a previous lifetime I was an enslaved woman who allowed herself to be whipped by her captor. Until I found this out, I had no idea this was just an aspect of mine popping up because it wanted to be resolved so I was carrying a lot of shame around with me. Once I realized that all this aspect wanted was for me to accept it, when I watched videos of women being spanked I chose to honor any emotions that came up. These aspects came home only when I stopped attempting to abstain from such behavior and instead, fully accepted it by allowing them full expression. All such desire simply faded away when these aspects felt genuinely accepted so that today it’s not appealing to me at all. This would never have happened had I not released all the judgment I was heaping upon these aspects, which only caused the desire to spank myself to increase. Judging is just another form of feeding.

There have been times when I’ve also had an obsession with looking at pictures of naked women so, like my aspect’s desire to be spanked, I knew that just pushing away this desire to see women naked would only cause it to increase. In a sense, for me at least, this was like tilling the soil, digging up the dirt, and fertilizing and planting seeds because again, after lifetimes of vows of celibacy for religious purposes combined with out-of-balance experiences with woman, I’ve had a tremendous fear of my sexuality. Watching videos or looking at pictures was my way of crying out to my soul, wanting to understand how to allow myself to be sexual because sexuality, like joy, is a natural aspect of being human. It can be a beautiful expression from the soul. I wanted to experience that.

As far as I’m concerned, the only problem with any of this comes as it would with eating food or anything else, when it becomes so obsessive that you can’t function any more. It’s where you are holding it at arms length. While you are allowing yourself to indulge in such pleasures, you feel badly about it because you have a belief that says this is wrong and then guilt and shame creates even more indulgence in the very same thing, just as with alcohol or any other addiction. There’s nothing wrong with alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, or any so-called addiction but it is just a matter of keeping all things in right order and not being overly obsessive about any one. The reason something like pornography has become such an obsession in our society today is because we have not been allowing ourselves the freedom to be fully expressed sexually in the first place, primarily because of not knowing who we are. When you have an aspect that believes there is something wrong with experiencing sex, when you choose to have sex anyway that aspect is going to pop up with a red flag like spy ware on your computer when it detects a virus. You’re not going to be able to freely experience the moment because this aspect believes such feelings are prohibited. In this way, sex has not been very fulfilling and many are driven to other resources in an attempt to find such fulfillment. Again, this is how energy feeding occurs.

This is exactly what happened to me. When I first attempted to have sex, with a well-known slut when I was in high school, I couldn’t get aroused for the life of me. Later when I was married the same thing happened probably 98% of the time. In those days this was a source of tremendous rage towards God because I felt like such a wimp, not being able to make love to my own wife, and I blamed God for this. Gratefully, my Angelic Team helped me to understand that when you attach the energy of suffering to the energy of pleasure, they both become bed partners. During some of those lifetimes of celibacy I allowed myself to be flogged whenever I had sexual thoughts because my belief said this was a terrible sin. Therefore I actually became the creator of my sexual dysfunction because I was attaching suffering to pleasure. Who would know? After that, a sexual thought brought lots of fear, which I now understand happens because of the threat of being punished.

From what I’ve learned about my previous lives, I realize now how valuable it can be to have the awareness that we are indeed eternal beings who have chosen to visit this planet on a number of occasions. Having such awareness provides the understanding that some if not all of our emotional aspects probably have their roots in prior lifetimes. In most cases these aspects can be resolved without knowing the past life details. Just knowing you are not your aspects and that for whatever reason you carry unwanted emotions, you can choose to have compassion for them and invite them home. You may find that the divine aspect of you may give you some understanding as to how or why you created your aspects but if this doesn’t happen it means you don’t need to know. Remembering who you are and bringing home your aspects is the only thing you are responsible to accomplish in this life.

*This article is also the first part of a two-part transcript of a radio show I did on June 1, 2011. To listen to the show, go to


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